


Mass Effect Madness

by BluebutActuallyGrey



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, ME bunnies, Not My Fault, Other, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 21:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17926775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluebutActuallyGrey/pseuds/BluebutActuallyGrey
Summary: Things that wanted to be written, but aren't part of the main story. Usually NOT MY FAULT.





	Mass Effect Madness

**Author's Note:**

> Glossary courtesy of MizDirected!
> 
> Carincrus -- A large crustacean that dwells around deep tidal pools at the edge of Palaven’s seas. Its huge, single-shelled body is surrounded by six legs, all ending in large, sharp-edged claws.  
> Torin -- Torini plural. Male turian of the age of majority (15)

It was rare that all of them were able to get together. In fact, since Garrus had finished his Specter training they'd only come together like this once. Then again, that day had been the day he had been initiated into the Spectres, so did that even count? Part of him insisted that it counted, while the rest said it didn't.

Garrus shook his head, chin resting in his palm and mandibles lifted into a smirk as he watched the four other _torini_ bicker amongst themselves. What would he have done if his father had actually been able to bar him from this? If it had even been a cycle earlier, he never would have made the cut into the elite group thanks to his fathers meddling. It was due to those like his father that forced the Council to step in and declare Spectre candidates could not be disbarred once they entered the program. Too many lives were wasted in the military and behind desks when they could have been so much more. What higher honor was there than protecting the galaxy as a whole? He had been forced to admit that he would never understand his father's mockery and hatred of those that went above and beyond to ensure peace.

"Bluuuuueeeee. Blue, you still with us? Hellooooooo~?"

Garrus blinked and backed away from the dark hard waving in front of his face, chuffing in exasperation at the grinning carmine Spectre at his side. "I'm still here, just thinking Nihlus. It's been a long while since we were all able to get together like this."

"Blue, the only time we've ever been together like this is when you got the full speech and passed your final test to become one of us. That, however, was not this." Nihlus draped an arm over Garrus' shoulders, the other waving at the crowded table. "Somehow, by some act of a higher power, we all managed to be station-side and hungry."

"True, but why you all dropped in on my apartment when you know I rarely have anything in my fridge will forever be a mystery." Garrus couldn't help the sarcastic drawl, lightly pushing at the lanky male that was trying to crawl into his lap. "Speaking of, I should check on the food. It should be about done. Does anyone need a refill on their drink while I'm up?"

Garrus ignored Nihlus' whines and ducked under grabbing hands, taking the cups offered to him as he stood and made his way back to his kitchen. He hummed in question when Avitus stood and followed, setting the glasses on the bar.

"You won't be able to bring the food and everyone their drinks at the same time Vakarian. Figured I may as well lend a hand since we did drop in unannounced." Avitus shrugged, waving Garrus away as he took over refilling the drinks. "Thanks by the way. For going along with this."

"Eh, it's no big deal. I've told you all before, you're welcome to drop in whenever you want. And Avitus? You know you can call me Garrus." Garrus poked and checked at the food, humming when he saw the splits in the casing and darker color they had. "Thanks for the assist with the drink though. I, eh, hadn't thought that far ahead."

Avitus chuckled, lifting the glasses and flashing Garrus a quick grin. "That much was obvious Vak-Garrus." His mandibles fluttered in unease, eyes dropping to the cups he was juggling. "I'll get these out there and keep Nihlus distracted until you're back."

"That would be appreciated. I'll be out in a moment." Garrus padded over to the cupboard that hid his rarely used serving dishes, muttering curses as he nearly burned the pads of his fingers as he loaded the tray he'd grabbed. He set the tray down long enough to grab some bread before juggling the two items as he made his way back to the table. "Sorry about the wait."

Garrus flinched at the shrill sound coming from Nihlus, the _torin_ nearly tearing the tray from him in excitement. "Hotdogs! Oh, I have missed these!"

"Nihlus! For Spirit's sake, let me put the plate down before you knock it out of my hands!" Garrus let the bread fall onto the table, swatting at questing talons as he placed the tray in the center of the table, only having to move a couple condiments to have enough space. He rumbled with amusement as Nihlus snatched several of the hot dogs, ignoring condiments and bread aline in favor of swallowing them plain.

"Ow! Shit, these are hot! Fuck!" Nihlus coughed and dropped the hot items onto his plate, blindly grabbing at his glass as he coughed and pounded on his chest.

"Language Nihlus." Saren leaned away from the coughing Spectre, glaring at the food on the table. "Vakarian. What is... this?"

Garrus paused, chuffing in amusement as Macen crooned and plucked several of his own before Nihlus decided to hog them. "They're hotdogs. Meat."

"I do not think these things qualify as meat." Saren plucked a hotdog from the pile, mandibles pulled tight to his face as he held it between two talons. "I'm not entirely certain they should qualify as food, considering what goes into them."

"Awww, come on Saren! Be nice!" Nihlus took the hotdog from the pale _torin_ , waving it in front of his face. "You haven't even tried it! Don't be rude!"

"They aren't that bad Saren. Not my favorite by far, but not bad." Avitus shrugged, ignoring the glare and growls directed at him as he carefully cut his own in half and placed them on bread that was soon smothered in condiments. "The taste is easy to cover up if you don't like it."

"I think they're awesome! They're suuuuuper easy to make, and filling too! Don't knock it till you try it Saren." Nihlus poked Saren with the hotdog, grinning despite the near snarl it earned him. "Come onnnn~. Open up Saren!"

Garrus shook his head and chuckled gently pulling Nihlus away from Saren. "If you don't want it, that's fine Saren. I don't have much else, but you don't have to eat it if you don't want to."

"Avi! You shouldn't just drown it in stuff!" Macen, the only Specialist in the room, whined. He poked at the almost dripping 'sandwich', snorting as he was shoved away. "You two are being rude. It's fast, easy, and tastes so much better than an MRE."

The entire table shuddered, subvocals growling in displeasure at the reminder.

"Way too far Mace. I did not need to remember the shi-junk they feed the military." Nihlus shuddered, pushing away the hotdogs for a moment and scrubbing his face with his palms. "Worst part of the mandatory service, hands down."

Garrus hummed in agreement, nibbling on his own before focusing on Saren. "As I said, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to. I can try to find something else for you if you'd prefer?"

Saren buzzed in annoyance, reluctantly plucking a new hotdog from the dwindling pile. It wouldn't be right to force Garrus to find something special just for him, but at the same time, he doubted this facsimile of meat would be palatable. He reluctantly took a bite, trying to ignore the eyes on him, and the almost smug sounding trills coming from Nihlus. His head tilted, humming in thought before he swallowed his bite. "It is... not horrible. I believe I can eat them."

Nihlus trilled obnoxiously, draping himself over his mentor with his mandibles spread in a grin. "See? I told you! And you were complaining about them. I bet I can change your mind into liking them more~."

"Remove yourself from my person at once."

"Nope! You're warm and I'm comfortable now!"

"Seriously Avi, are you trying for a soup sandwich? Spirits, if you put anything more in that, it's not going to be edible! Just eat it like a normal _torin_!"

"Macen, this is how I eat them. Need I remind you how you eat _Carincrus_? I believe you say you like to 'drown out the taste of the sea'?"

"Nihlus! I said remove yourself!"

"NO! You can't make me!"

Garrus couldn't help but laugh, watching the budding chaos around him and feeling lighter than he had in a long while. He might have to see about arranging for more happy coincidences like this. Seeing his new family unwind was a balm he didn't know he needed, and it was all due to the fact that he only had hotdogs in his fridge.

**Author's Note:**

> This was not my fault. I made the mistake of talking with the amazing Kuraiummei while making dinner. This is the result of the following:
> 
> "Not to mention the fact that Nihlus would be making VERY inappropriate jokes the whole time. And saren would be bemoaning the lack of nutrition. And garrus just sitting there with the argument that it was quick and easy so lay off. Avitus doesn't seem to be that big of a fan, but Maren is cackling and trying to coax Avi to eat one."
> 
> It's not quite what I was originally thinking, but this was what the characters said happened. *shrug*


End file.
